


All I Ask (Can it be me?)

by delusionofcontrol



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 05:45:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18543499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delusionofcontrol/pseuds/delusionofcontrol
Summary: People would say it's stupid love, a deep feeling that could ruin her into pieces. Jisoo would argue; since when did love have to be reciprocated?Jisoo wanted Lisa to receive the love she could offer, even if it meant that she wouldn't get anything back.





	All I Ask (Can it be me?)

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by bulgogilisa/laliskinny from Twitter. This is another request from a year ago that I'm only publishing now. Better late than never, right?
> 
> Listen to All I Ask by Adele for more feels.

It's not rocket science to figure out. 

More than often, her intuitions never failed her and this time the feeling is too strong to ignore and the instances are there to support these lingering feelings.

Nonetheless, she stayed mum about it and acted as if it didn't bother her to no ends.

So as soon as she heard the door click, she was quick to dry her hands with towel and walk to the living room to welcome her home with the same sweet smile.

She was met with a kiss on her cheek and an arm on her shoulder, walking side by side to the bedroom.

"You're early." She said, stating as a matter of fact while she detached herself from the other girl to get her some clothes to wear.

The other woman continued unbuttoning her shirt as she turned her head to smirk at her.

"I did say I was visiting tonight. Don't you like me being early?"

She shook her head, handing her the change of clothes from the closet before settling down on the mattress.

"No, I'm just surprised since you didn't tell me the time. I could've prepared food for you."

"No need. I grabbed some along the way." 

A muffled answer as she went to the walk-in closet connected to the bathroom. Moments later, she walked out wearing comfortable clothes and with a fresher barefaced look.

She watched by the edge of the bed at the wonder in front of her.

_The wonder that could end her._

She opened up her arms and urged her to come closer, to which the other girl did. 

She hugged her waist and rested her head against her flat stomach and the other caressed her hair. Looking up at her, she's met with the same tired soft eyes and that's when it naturally clicked.

Jisoo guided her to the bed and let themselves get comfortably settled at the new sheets she has changed in the afternoon. The scent from the candles she lit an hour ago enveloped the whole room, making it easier for them to fall into their routine.

Obviously, she's the smaller one between them but Lisa loved being spooned by her. Sometimes she'd insist that she'd be the big spoon but will still end up turning to the opposite as the hours get by. Jisoo chuckles at the act but she never really minds.

As soon as the tall girl was comfortable in her arms, she draped over one leg on her and traced her fingers against the fabric that covers her stomach. It was an unspoken habit that both of them liked, as if a thing that she secretly does but the other one lets on.

She felt Lisa melt deeper in her arms as she continued her ministrations, accompanied by a kiss or two on her head.

"So how was your day?" 

It was probably the question she was dying to ask ever since she received the message that Lisa would come over after not being able to for a long time.

She spoke softly against her ear, removing the stray hair that covered her cheek. She knew Lisa has her eyes closed and she lets her.

"The usual..." Lisa pauses, "It gets a bit hectic at work because of the surge of new clients for the past month but it's fine. I enjoy what I do."

Jisoo smiled at it, knowing the girl is really passionate with photography. She knew she's busy because of it and maybe the reason why her visits have gotten lesser for the past two months but she doesn't speak of it.

She's not allowed to.

She's only allowed to miss her in silence and maybe ask herself quietly. 

Never out loud.

She hummed as Lisa scooted even closer, to which she gladly pulled her even more, heart getting the surge of excitement to feel her this close again.

"Still taking proper meals?" Jisoo internally cringed. She sounded like a nagging mom but it's already out in the open. She felt Lisa shrug.

"I try. Chaeyoung makes sure I do. I can't really escape that girl."

The smile in her voice was evident even if she couldn't see it.

"I hope you're still going out to enjoy even though your schedule is tight."

Lisa nodded, softly caressing Jisoo's arm that's rested on her.

"Yeah, I do. Chaeyoung tries to get me out of the house. You know how I get when I'm in my zone even at home."

"Ah yes, I've witnessed that a lot of times before. I think that was one of the reasons you hired me in the first place."

She heard a low chuckle from the tall girl, 

"It is. Also, I got really lonely."

Most people would wonder what their set up is, that's why it's never been revealed to anyone. It was a secret to the two of them and that's the only thing that mattered to them. They didn't really mind explaining such topic, since it's nothing taboo, but they'd rather not to. 

It's not like it was anybody else's business.

Jisoo was a professional cuddler to Lisa for almost two years. At some point, Lisa asked for it to be an exclusive service for her and was willing to double the payment just so Jisoo would agree to her offer. 

Jisoo agreed to it, without even a second thought. It's not like Lisa was making her uncomfortable. It was quite the opposite, actually. She's way too comfortable with her and it made her ponder about it a few times. But some thoughts were pushed and kept through the furthest part of her mind.

It was only a paid service after all and nothing more.

But somewhere along those years, Jisoo got herself a different job. She didn't consider her service for Lisa as one anymore. It didn't sit well with her.

A few instances, she'd tell her that she doesn't need to pay her anymore and just think of it as a free thing she could get from Jisoo. Lisa still insisted to pay since she never really knew what else Jisoo did for a living. But as insistent as she is comes head on with the stubbornness of the other, until she just surrendered to what Jisoo wanted. 

Although she made it a point that she'd bring something for the girl every time she visits. Jisoo didn't argue anymore.

She cherished them.

Lisa would bring her her favorites and others that she had come to love. Jisoo has come to know how thoughtful Lisa is when it comes to gifts, realizing that she pays attention to little things said or not. And the girl is not stingy at all with gifts, almost making her feel like she's special.

But of course, she's not. 

She's probably like that with everyone since Lisa would sometimes ask her to go out and help her with picking gifts for family or friends; with a certain someone in a few occasions. 

She shouldn't think of it.

Which made her conclude that Lisa is just a sweet and thoughtful person.

 

 

 

Jisoo wakes up with Lisa gone.

She closes her eyes once more, easing the sleep in her eyes. She keeps still in bed before she opened them again.

She reached out for her phone by the bedside table, a morning habit, and was welcomed with messages from the girl.

_7:24am, Lisa: Good morning to you~ Sorry, I had to leave for some errands. I didn't want to wake you... I'll be back tonight. I hope that's alright?_

_7:24am, Lisa: I left your present in the bathroom btw! You're welcome._

A smile dares to form on Jisoo's lips.

Her feet take her to the said room and was met with a familiar piece of clothing sitting by the sink, neatly folded with a note on top.

_You always borrowed this sweater from me and would return it whenever you wanted. I figured you liked it so it's yours now. :)_

Lisa knows her too well, but not so much either.

She did like Lisa's sweater, but not as much as she liked the lingering scent that came along with it. It made her feel close to her even if she wasn't there with her all the time. She'd return it after a week just so Lisa would wear it again and have her scent envelope the clothing before she decides to take it back again from her.

But she doesn't know that, and now its hers. She'd have to wear it without the familiar scent that she loved so much.

Remembering the girl, she took out her phone to send a reply.

_To Lisa: Of course, Lis. I don't mind. I'll see you tonight._

_PS: I love it._

 

 

The two of them have done things that are out of the client-service provider relationship. It's the main reason Jisoo stopped considering her as a client and went on with her decision.

They hung out whenever Lisa was free and would ask. Jisoo never asked, though. She always waited for her to do it. She didn't want to impose or force her into spending time with her outside their sessions.

You can call her a coward for that.

Lisa may have mentioned her attempts of going out on dates with people. She's been single since Jisoo have met her and she's suggested meeting people to ease down the loneliness she was feeling when they were three months in with the cuddling sessions.

The girl was hesitant at first but did anyway and Jisoo didn't mind. There were successful attempts though didn't last long, until Lisa have come to a pause and Jisoo was pleased.

Of course, she didn't let her know.

Having mutual feelings might have crossed Jisoo's mind a few times or so. She's considered having a conversation with Lisa on the matter. However, it occurred to her that it might just be her that's reading too much into the situation.

Lisa has never mentioned anything to her about directed feelings for her. Jisoo has never done the same.

But at one point, it seemed that Lisa was thinking the same and dared to ask her when they were in each other's arms that one night.

"Jisoo, what are we?"

A voice that sounded calm but curiosity dripping from the tones of it. Lisa continued her usual ministrations of caressing Jisoo's arm that was draped around her.

Jisoo can feel her heart pause a beat then double up, slightly hoping Lisa wouldn't notice the change in it. She slowly opened her eyes, carefully studying the side profile that her eyes allowed her to see.

"We can be whatever you want us to be."

She can feel a soft chuckle,  ever so subtly, from the younger girl, as she pressed her lips against the back of her head, making her feel a bit lightheaded at the sound.

"That's too vague, you know."

"Well, what do you think? What are we, Lisa?"

Jisoo said in a whisper, insecurities slowly filling in, hoping that the less she hears it, the less would it hurt if she'd get the response she was dreading to hear.

Lisa slightly turns her head to glance at the other, then proceeds to turn her whole body to face Jisoo's and drape her own arms around the petite girl. It's a rare occurrence that she did the move and it started to feel too intimate, it's making it hard for Jisoo to keep her composure.

She kept her eyes down, wanting to avoid the eyes that are searching for her.

"I don't know..." Lisa starts in a hum, "all I know is I love the comfort you give me. I like what we have."

_Comfortable._

Jisoo dared to look at her back, almost losing in the gaze that bores through her. 

"You can have me as long as you want."

Selfless and undeniably desperate, surrendering all herself to the girl that could weaken her with just one touch. She's not one to beg and not the one to complain either. If comfort is the only thing she seeks from her, she can have it.

Lisa gives her a peck on her cheek, close enough to touch her lips, and rests against the crook of her neck to give them more attention that makes her lose her sanity all together.

People would say it's stupid love, a deep feeling that could ruin her into pieces. Jisoo would argue; since when did love have to be reciprocated?

Jisoo wanted Lisa to receive the love she could offer even if it meant that she wouldn't get anything back.

Her eyes fluttered close as she feel her body wither under Lisa's burning touches.

If Lisa wants the warmth she gets from her, Jisoo will gladly give it to her.

Lisa can use somebody like her.

 

 

Given their open relationship, she knew she can never have Lisa as a whole.

She only has a part of her and that's enough for Jisoo.

There were times she'd hope that she would take her and claim her, the exclusivity of having Lisa all to herself and let her give everything that she could offer for the girl. But Lisa liked the way they were. Even if she didn't say it out loud, Jisoo could sense that Lisa didn't want the same thing as her.

As long as Lisa still comes to her and still craves for the comfort she seeks, Jisoo is content that she will keep coming back.

Eventually, things would conspire against her, seemingly mocking her like a fool, when all possibilities went down the drain as soon as Jisoo noticed a change recently.

In the figure of Chaeyoung.

 

 

 

When Lisa's visits became less frequent, she knew it's not just work that's keeping her busy.

As chances come that Lisa goes to her for their routine, she'd noticed that the girl's name slip out her lips as if she's almost present to everything that Lisa does when she's away from Jisoo.

She was never the jealous type, and it's not like she has the right to.

However, a bitter feeling boils inside of her that she had to control forcibly. She acknowledges the feeling but it could ruin what's left of her relationship with Lisa, whatever it is.

So she pretended the feeling ever existed. 

Jisoo had to, for the sake of her sanity. It was a crazy numbing feeling that clenches her heart from time to time. She wished she had the courage to turn things around but the timing seems off and she's running out of chances.

Lisa didn't confide to her like she was asking for permission anyway. Why would she? She didn't belong to anyone, and certainly not with Jisoo. 

It's more of like letting her know that she isn't the one for Lisa. It hurt but she's just someone Lisa got comfortable with.

That's something. Apparently, not everything. Not enough.

She became so good with pretending, it felt almost real for her. Eventually, she realized that she was not pretending.

Jisoo was blatantly ignoring it, thinking that as long as Lisa comes to her and lays in her arms, she has nothing to worry about.

That's only what she wanted herself to believe. 

 

 

 

Lisa entered her flat with a few bags in her hand. If her senses were right, she'd say Lisa brought home some fried chicken and black bean noodles.

The tall girl made a bee line to the small living room and putting all the food on the coffee table. Once she was happy with the setting, she turned on the TV and called out for Jisoo, who was standing by the corner, to join her.

"Come sit. I bought enough for the two of us." Lisa beamed, obviously excited with what she's planned. Jisoo padded over and sat beside her.

"You mean, more than enough."

"We can finish them. I know you quite have an appetite."

It's adorable to see Lisa stifle her laugh by biting on her lips. 

_It must be so nice to kiss them too._

She doesn't though. She feels unworthy to make the move.

Before Jisoo gets ahead of her thoughts, she playfully nudges Lisa, making her let out a chuckle and nudge right back.

They ate dinner while watching a few episodes of FRIENDS on Netflix with a few bottles of soju, like how they normally spent other nights than just cuddling.

It's one of those times that Jisoo wished they'd talk about it. While Lisa was enjoying her comfortable company, she was also wishing she'd see her as more than a friend.

_Was she even considered a friend? What is she to her?_

"I missed spending weekends with you. I'm sure it's gonna take a while again before I'll be able to come back."

Jisoo watched as Lisa mixed her black bean noodles together, only the sound of it and the TV drowning the thought in her mind.

She let herself study the figure beside her, as if solving a question she never understood.

It's starting to dawn on her that there will come a time that she won't come back to her ever again.

She shrugged and grabbed her own bowl of noodles, mirroring the girl's actions and distracting herself from slowly breaking apart.

It's her fault why she's stuck with the 'what-if's' in her head. She never did anything to put a change into their routine.

"It's okay, I understand how it can get with you." Lisa glances at her, "You can just call me and I'll know."

_Pitiful._

Was it wrong for her to love her in silence too?

 

 

 

The night escalated to them ending up tipsy from the alcohol they had, with Lisa even more compared to Jisoo, knowing she can only tolerate a certain amount in her system.

Jisoo is bolder with her actions when under the influence, but never the one to force anything on Lisa. She'd still wait for the other to do it first before anything else.

And Lisa does it every single time, sober or not.

The difference is the hunger is more evident when they're not sober and it's the only time Jisoo would let herself free from the cage she surrounded herself with.

Letting the other girl drown her with sloppy kisses and allow herself return with much more, wanting her to know, to feel, how much she wants and craves for the girl. Almost stumbling over, the taller girl hugs and carries her close without detaching from their lip-locking, Jisoo wrapping her legs around her and cups her face just so she can continue to taste the bittersweet alcohol from her lips.

Jisoo didn't care. It was the only way she could have her like this. How else can she allow herself to love her when time and chances are closing up on her?

She's almost fading from her grip and this is the only way she can keep her before everything else ends.

As soon as her back came in contact with the cold sheets of her bed, it felt that they were back to their own confined space.

It's just them and nothing else. It's their own little world that Jisoo built in her imagination, the only place where she could be vulnerable enough and allow Lisa to see that side of her.

But she's not sober enough for that, and maybe, she's a bit thankful that she isn't. She wouldn't have to see that after all this time, Jisoo is the one needing her comfort.

Every inch of her that Lisa's lips have come to discover and her hands have come to touch, pieces of her come undone, suffering into the memory that there is no tomorrow for the two of them.

She flutters her eyes open, watching Lisa with full submission and longing, with her looking right back as soon as she felt her reach her high.

Lisa takes her to a high, the addictive and dangerous kind, only to let her crash back down into mayhem with nothing else but her pathetic affection and devotion.

She brought this upon herself, but she was aware of Lisa's flaw.

Lisa probably knew, even just a bit of her love for her, and she silently acknowledged it for her own advantage.

 

 

Moments after, Lisa is now back into her embrace, gone away to deep slumber. 

Jisoo fought the exhaustion back just so she can savor every minute left for her to hold Lisa this close. She might never have the chance again.

Her eyes traced every single detail one more time, careful not to miss even a minor detail, wanting to remember her even if it caused her pain. Not long enough, tears followed to trickle down to the side of her face, wetting the pillow and blurring her vision.

She inched closer and put the stray hair that covered her face to the side, thumb grazing over the soft plump lips that introduced her to the warmest smile she's ever witnessed. Jisoo brought a hand behind Lisa's head and pulled her to put a kiss on her forehead, wishing for the girl to remember her, not a demand to think of her every way possible, but even just in a distant memory or in small things that could remind her of Jisoo. 

It's all she could ask of her.

She inhaled her familiar scent, the one that she'd recognize even after a lifetime, and brought feather light kisses on the tip of her nose and her defined cheeks, wishing that no sad tears would dare touch them.

She won't be able to wipe and kiss them away.

It's all she could ask of her.

Jisoo paused to look at her lips before meeting them with her own. Just enough before her lips turn to quiver and a sob escaped through them.  Jisoo holds her close in a desperate embrace, holding down the sobs that make her body shake, afraid that Lisa would wake up. Maybe she shouldn't care and expect her to.

She dared to speak, to ask her even in her sleep, that maybe when Lisa wakes, the words would linger and change her mind.

"Is it selfish of me to ask you to leave her for me?" She muffled her cries against her cheek before letting a soft whimper, "Can I be her? Lisa, can it be me?"

Her eyes start to sting with tears continue to flow. She bit down her lip to keep her agony into silence, latching to Lisa like she's her last and only hope to take her away from misery. 

She could, and she'd do it effortlessly, but deep down inside she already knew the answer: She wouldn't.

So she conceded to just holding her, feeling her warmth and heart beat against her skin, for it's all she can do and all she can ask of her to give, even in silence.

 

Because she loves her, and will continue to, until the time Lisa comes back or not, no matter how it ends.

 

Jisoo will love her until it completely ruins her.

 

And she'll never love again, at all, if it is not with her.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Easter, everyone.
> 
> I hope you liked this and if not, I'll accept reviews and comments either way hehe! Please do. Comments and votes inspire me to write too :)
> 
> I'm planning to do a social media au on Twitter (SEEULISOO) so watch out for that~
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> \- sel


End file.
